Sex is too powerful to ignore.
What does this mean? It doesn’t mean promiscuity. Sex is healthy and natural but it’s also powerful. Things that are powerful require attention, nurturing, care, and tenderness.
Have you spent enough time with yourself to know how to receive pleasure? Can you tend to your carnal, sexual human nature while practicing gentleness? Have you spent time contemplating, journaling, and discussing about what you actually desire?
It’s time for you to recognize your sexuality and your powerful sexual self. All you have to do is begin ask yourself some powerful self-awareness questions.
WARNING: This is a writing exercise. It’s great to contemplate your sexuality within the confines of your own brain, but powerful things require sharp, focused attention. This comes from writing things down and reflecting on them later. If you want to shift things, you MUST write them down.
- Step 1: What do I desire?
This is general free writing about what you desire in life, relationships, sex, career, hobbies, family, etc. Write out 22 answers. Yes. 22. They can be any desires. Let the writing flow. You can write one word, or a phrase, or an entire page. This is just a start. There’s no right or wrong. The key here is just to begin putting your thoughts onto paper. This step is important. We’re figuring stuff out here. No need to be perfect and no need to get it just right. Don’t worry about what it’s “supposed” to be. The only thing I encourage is to do your best to write out 22.
- Step 2: Define.
Write down what you already know about yourself sexually. What you like, what you don’t like, your sexual orientation, your gender identity. Write down specific experiences you’ve enjoyed. Write down what things you find most pleasureable. Write about a desire or fantasy you’ve thought about. Again, let the writing flow. Be totally honest with yourself. I don’t care if you burn the paper afterwards. Just write that shit down.
- Step 3: Suspend.
Suspend your knowledge about yourself for just a minute. Now that you’ve taken all that time to get your thoughts on paper, chuck it out the window. Well, at least put it in the think bank where you can access it later. More importantly, I want you to ask yourself, “What if all that stuff wasn’t true about me?” “What if they are social norms or cultural conditions placed on me?” “What is the origin of these desires and definitions?” “Who would I be if I didn’t identify with those things I wrote down?” Use this suspension practice to begin and see where the writing goes from there. Practice suspending your knowledge before you masturbate or have sex.
- Step 4: Expand.
Expand your capacity for learning and acceptance of yourself. Do some visualizations in expanding your consciousness and your space becoming wider, bigger, and reaching farther. Get curious. Entertain a thought about yourself you never have. “What if I wasn’t really heterosexual?” “What if I don’t want to be polyamorous?” These are, of course, just examples. The idea is to get comfortable with using your imagination and really questioning yourself and getting curious about your humanity. Know thyself.
- Step 5: How do I want to feel?
This is the fun part and where everything comes together! Now, because we’re humans and because everything about us is so connected and intertwined, we can’t define our sexuality without defining our relationships, however serious or casual, emotional or sexual. How do you want to feel in these relationships? Even if you aren’t in a relationship, ask yourself this. If you have no desire to be in a relationship, ask yourself how you want to feel in relation to yourself. Write several emotions you want to feel and then write a corresponding relationship goal. For example, this is what mine looked like:
Play around with this format. Don’t be afraid to change your emotions and associated relationship goals. Life is fluid and so is sexuality. Sex is life, after all.
We will dive deeper into this world of defining and exploring in my upcoming course, desire + pleasure, which opens for registration on May 7, 2017. I’d love to hear how this process goes for you.