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Hey Erin!
I love sex, every position, anytime, anywhere … period. It always feels good but it drives me crazy that I can’t orgasm every time!!! I have been with multiple men all different sizes and I still deal with the issue of only being able to cum when I’m on top! I feel like I need that pressure that only I can make happen. I would love to be able to come being eaten out or in any position!! I do masturbate but it’s rare that I can get myself off. I’ve tried vibrators and everything. It drives me insane when it feels sooo good, but I just can’t get there – HELP!!

Sincerely,
Hot and bothered

Dear Hot and Bothered,
First of all, let’s bask in the fact that you can come during intercourse period! The clit orgasm that you describe can be an elusive little fucker, so revel in the fact you are able to experience it!
Second, you say in order to come, you need pressure that you are in control of. This is not a bad thing at all! Owning and being in control of your own orgasms is not only sexy and empowering, but it is essential in maintaining a healthy sex life. When we give the power of our orgasms to our sexual partner(s), we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Let me say this again for those in the back. Do not blame your partner if you are unable to achieve orgasm during sex. Really, you shouldn’t blame yourself either, but you do have the ability and control over your own body in order to reach climax. Deva Logan and I talk about this in Episode 4 of my podcast. You can also never blame yourself for your male partner not being able to get or keep an erection. There are many physiological, mental, and emotional reasons why a man may not be able to hold an erection and none of them have to do with you, how sexy you are, or how you look.
So, back to you. You really want to orgasm in other ways besides grinding on your man while you’re on top. Okay, I get it. So you are into tribadism: the act of rubbing your vulva and clit against something for pleasure and to achieve orgasm. Excellent! This is my favorite way to get off, as well! No need to apologize. Your body responds to this well, so use it. First, I would try flipping over, with the guy on top, communicating with him that you’d like to be more in control, and see if you can come this way. You can also set yourself up a little grinding altar while you get fucked from behind – pillows and blankets, perhaps?
I understand the frustration of not being able to come whenever and however you want to (like guys can!), so try out those different techniques and see how they work. That said, remember that sex doesn’t have to be just about orgasm! You are deriving lots of pleasure from your sexual experiences and after you orgasm, that pleasure usually ends. So, savor all the little pleasurable moments while you can and use your climax for its intended purpose – a finishing moment and another tool in your pleasure box.

Happy cumming!
Erin

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